I've never felt this kind of pain. I ache inside. I want my nephew to be back here on earth. I want him to be sleeping in his own bed every night with his sweet and loving dog, Snow. I want my brother and sister-in-law to no longer ache. I don't even know what to write, how to write. I have good moments and bad moments. He was such a gifted young man. I believe God needed my nephew, Ben. But that will never heal the pain I feel. So we, his family, wait until the day we can be with him again. He was so beautiful inside and out. I miss his fb statuses, I miss his voice. I miss knowing he was enjoying life.
I'm moving forward with recovery, because that is what my sweet nephew would want. He'd want his healthy Aunty Chrissy back. He wouldn't want me to dwell in the darkness of ED. He knew about ED and my other issues. He knew I was there for him to help him through hard times, because he knew I'd been through some hard times of my own. I've lived on my own roller coaster for so long. Now I ride a new roller coaster. For a little while I'll feel peace, then I feel pain and my heart aches. I feel selfish hurting inside for myself. I feel like I should be strong all the time to help my brother and sister-in-law. But I guess that's not real. I guess real is living this roller coaster of emotions. I want him back. I love him so much. I wish you could have met him. You'd understand the pain this family and his friends feel. He was the best.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to go back home after being with my family for more than 10 days. It's going to hurt like hell. Going back to work is going to be so hard. Life will never be the same. Sure I'll move forward and the pain won't hurt as much. I've been through this before. I've watched my stepmother die in front of me. I got through it. But then, I had ED to lean on, I can't have that anymore. I have to rely on real people to help me get through this. It's going to be hard. I just want to be there every moment, every second, for my brother and sister-in-law.
Man it hurts. I ache so badly. If you only were so lucky to have known him. So many beautiful memories I will cherish forever. Looks like I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight, again. Tears for my sweet nephew. I love you so much Ben baby. I can't wait to see you again. It will never be soon enough.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
A tribute to me nephew, Ben.
I lost my nephew Tuesday night. He was taken from this world by a terrible infectious disease, bacterial meningitis. My heart is broken. He was 21 years old, an honor student and a beautiful, amazing and gifted young man. He touched everyone's heart who was in his presence.
If you were a passerby, I'm sure he smiled at you and said "hi or how's it going". If you were more than a passerby you were probably his friend, because he had many.
Ben had an infectious zest for life, it was contagious. If you were in his presence you were certain to be laughing or smiling or simply feeling really good inside, feeling his infectious zest for life. He was there for you if you needed a shoulder to cry on. He knew how to listen and validate your feelings. He was genuine to the core.
Ben had many talents. He helped his mom breed dogs, he was a trainer and handler at dog shows, he was an A student studying to be a veterinarian, he rode a dirt bike, he was star baseball player, I could keep going. He was good at anything he put his mind to. He never gave up. Even while he was laying in the hospital bed he died and came back to life.
He's on the effin news. It's so sad. My heart aches for my brother and sister-in-law. He was their only child. That family was tight. My brother's bond with my nephew was like no other bond I've ever seen. They were tight. They were best friends. But, there were solid boundaries. They truly had a model relationship. They will hurt forever. An empty whole in their hearts for the rest of their lives. We'll all hurt, anyone who's been in Ben's life. But eventually we'll move on and never forget that beautiful young man. Our wound will heal with time. So my heart aches for brother and sister-in-law. I can't imagine the lifetime of pain they'll live with.
A little letter to Ben
Ben, I can't believe you are gone. I love you more than words can express. You and I had a lot in common. Our sense of humor, infectious energy, genuine laughter. You were definitely better at it than I was. You are a true inspiration. I ache for not sending you a plane ticket to come and visit me. Stupid money. Always gets in the way. I loved every moment we had together. Even the time I was babysitting you in Gardner and you went in the backyard with Kujo and I couldn't come and get you because I was afraid he was going to eat me. You were always such a pleasure and so much fun. You were the first infant I ever held. And so far the only one. I was so happy to be there for you when you were having a hard time and only wished I could have been there even more. You are so lucky to have had such a wonderful mom and dad. Even though your mom was pretty tough on you, you knew it was because she loved you so much. They raised you to become a strong and outstanding young man. I can't believe you're gone. The world will never be the same without you. I will look for you in the sky, a beautiful twinkling star, an angel looking over us. Let us feel your energy. It would be so nice. Big hugs and kisses to you my sweet nephew.
With love forever and always,
Auntie Chrissy
I hope God has an amazing purpose for Ben, because I don't get it. How could He do this to this family, my brother and sister-in-law, broken hearts forever. So He better have a great plan because I'm pretty angry at Him.
If you were a passerby, I'm sure he smiled at you and said "hi or how's it going". If you were more than a passerby you were probably his friend, because he had many.
Ben had an infectious zest for life, it was contagious. If you were in his presence you were certain to be laughing or smiling or simply feeling really good inside, feeling his infectious zest for life. He was there for you if you needed a shoulder to cry on. He knew how to listen and validate your feelings. He was genuine to the core.
Ben had many talents. He helped his mom breed dogs, he was a trainer and handler at dog shows, he was an A student studying to be a veterinarian, he rode a dirt bike, he was star baseball player, I could keep going. He was good at anything he put his mind to. He never gave up. Even while he was laying in the hospital bed he died and came back to life.
He's on the effin news. It's so sad. My heart aches for my brother and sister-in-law. He was their only child. That family was tight. My brother's bond with my nephew was like no other bond I've ever seen. They were tight. They were best friends. But, there were solid boundaries. They truly had a model relationship. They will hurt forever. An empty whole in their hearts for the rest of their lives. We'll all hurt, anyone who's been in Ben's life. But eventually we'll move on and never forget that beautiful young man. Our wound will heal with time. So my heart aches for brother and sister-in-law. I can't imagine the lifetime of pain they'll live with.
A little letter to Ben
Ben, I can't believe you are gone. I love you more than words can express. You and I had a lot in common. Our sense of humor, infectious energy, genuine laughter. You were definitely better at it than I was. You are a true inspiration. I ache for not sending you a plane ticket to come and visit me. Stupid money. Always gets in the way. I loved every moment we had together. Even the time I was babysitting you in Gardner and you went in the backyard with Kujo and I couldn't come and get you because I was afraid he was going to eat me. You were always such a pleasure and so much fun. You were the first infant I ever held. And so far the only one. I was so happy to be there for you when you were having a hard time and only wished I could have been there even more. You are so lucky to have had such a wonderful mom and dad. Even though your mom was pretty tough on you, you knew it was because she loved you so much. They raised you to become a strong and outstanding young man. I can't believe you're gone. The world will never be the same without you. I will look for you in the sky, a beautiful twinkling star, an angel looking over us. Let us feel your energy. It would be so nice. Big hugs and kisses to you my sweet nephew.
With love forever and always,
Auntie Chrissy
I hope God has an amazing purpose for Ben, because I don't get it. How could He do this to this family, my brother and sister-in-law, broken hearts forever. So He better have a great plan because I'm pretty angry at Him.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Long time no post. It's not easy to post when I feel like I'd just be repeating myself over and over again. I've been feeling really lousy lately. Not to worry about weight loss or not gaining. I'm gaining plenty and now I hate it. I've changed my mind, or ED has changed my mind. Well, even as I type that I'm completely torn with wanting to gain and wanting to lose. I know gaining and maintaining my weight is what needs to happen. I wish I could just accept that and be at peace with it.
I wish a lot of things. I wish I could accept and be at peace with myself. My dietician recommended that I watch the movie A Beautiful Mind. I've never seen it. I figured it's gotta be good for me if my dietician recommends it so I went out and bought it on Blue Ray. Hubby and I watched it last night. It was good. It was really good. It's the type of movie that I love to watch. She said to look at his alters as if it was my ED. She wanted me to see how eventually he learned to ignore these people in his mind. Even though they weren't all bad, they were not healthy for him for many reasons.
Just like the ED. He acts like he's a good thing for me, especially since he's been with me most of my life. But I know, I really know how much he's taken from my life -- family, friendships, a house, jobs, money, health, confidence, security -- you get the picture.
My biggest struggle will be to break down the walls that I think are protecting me. This is going to be hard, probably equally as hard as following a meal plan. I've tried, especially with hubby, to slowly break down the walls. It was scary and hard. It only lasted for two, maybe three weeks. Slowly I found myself putting my walls back up. I got scared, anxious, stressed. I felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed.
These walls are going to keep me a very lonely and isolated girl if I don't break them down. You see, they screw up everything, these walls. I've got a friend who's sick and really needs love and support from her friends and family. I wanted to be there for her, I tried to be there for her. But it meant that I needed to break out of my safety zone. There were multiple reasons that stopped me. The big one is that I could be right where she is at. I told my dietician that I just couldn't do all of it. I told her I wanted to end my life. Then to here how sick my friend is the next day made me very sad and very scared. Not just for my friend but for me, too. Because I could be her, in that same situation.
I would love to continue this post but I've got to get ready for work. Work is the one thing where I can be dependable and reliable. What am I trying to prove? The rest of my life is a mess. I am an actress. I am successful at my job and that's it. My parents always told me I was a great little actress and I would grow up to be one. They were right. Unfortunately, I just put my own twist on this career.
Do I just throw in the towel with work? It makes me crazy anyway. Why, in my twisted mind, is work more important than me?
I wish a lot of things. I wish I could accept and be at peace with myself. My dietician recommended that I watch the movie A Beautiful Mind. I've never seen it. I figured it's gotta be good for me if my dietician recommends it so I went out and bought it on Blue Ray. Hubby and I watched it last night. It was good. It was really good. It's the type of movie that I love to watch. She said to look at his alters as if it was my ED. She wanted me to see how eventually he learned to ignore these people in his mind. Even though they weren't all bad, they were not healthy for him for many reasons.
Just like the ED. He acts like he's a good thing for me, especially since he's been with me most of my life. But I know, I really know how much he's taken from my life -- family, friendships, a house, jobs, money, health, confidence, security -- you get the picture.
My biggest struggle will be to break down the walls that I think are protecting me. This is going to be hard, probably equally as hard as following a meal plan. I've tried, especially with hubby, to slowly break down the walls. It was scary and hard. It only lasted for two, maybe three weeks. Slowly I found myself putting my walls back up. I got scared, anxious, stressed. I felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed.
These walls are going to keep me a very lonely and isolated girl if I don't break them down. You see, they screw up everything, these walls. I've got a friend who's sick and really needs love and support from her friends and family. I wanted to be there for her, I tried to be there for her. But it meant that I needed to break out of my safety zone. There were multiple reasons that stopped me. The big one is that I could be right where she is at. I told my dietician that I just couldn't do all of it. I told her I wanted to end my life. Then to here how sick my friend is the next day made me very sad and very scared. Not just for my friend but for me, too. Because I could be her, in that same situation.
I would love to continue this post but I've got to get ready for work. Work is the one thing where I can be dependable and reliable. What am I trying to prove? The rest of my life is a mess. I am an actress. I am successful at my job and that's it. My parents always told me I was a great little actress and I would grow up to be one. They were right. Unfortunately, I just put my own twist on this career.
Do I just throw in the towel with work? It makes me crazy anyway. Why, in my twisted mind, is work more important than me?
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