Where am I?

I'm a bit distracted this morning while attempting to watch the morning news. I can't stop thinking about group last night. Specifically, I can't stop thinking about two questions that I can't even seem to answer.

1. What's it going to take to stop giving into my eating disorder?
2. Why do I want to hold onto my eating disorder?

I tell myself I don't want to hold onto it. But, truthfully, I do hold onto it. If I didn't, these questions wouldn't exist. As a result, I'm feeling rather stoic. And I don't like this feeling. But it is Friday! And Friday's come with a heavy dose of sarcasm bellowing out of my mouth. Hopefully that will help distract me from this uncomfortable, stoic place.

Something is going on with me because I'm keeping my distance from people I care about. I don't know if it's a result of the fun shenanigan's I'm dealing with in individual, or actually hearing from my doctor that I am a myriad of mental health issues so I'm a difficult case to treat.

I knew this since I was pretty young, that I was "off". While it's nice to be validated, it also sucks donkey balls.

I wish I could have a voice in group again. My sweet group girls feel like they don't me because I rarely share. I never know what to share. I never know how much to share. I always feel so uncomfortable after. Wondering if I made sense or if I sound like I'm just complaining or blabbering or I blow up and become defensive and show everyone my wall that lacks any color. I think I'm afraid of them and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Each of them seem to have a buddy all for themselves in group. They have someone in group where they've become connected. I've never had that in the roughly two years that I've been in group. There is one other girl like me swimming in the sea from a lonely island hoping to join up with the other dolphins, and maybe she will get a companion. I dig her, she's cool. But I don't see her being my companion, dolphin buddy. I think our world's are too different.

Maybe if I opened up. Maybe if I tried a little harder. I don't know why I'm hiding myself. I want real relationships but it's never going to work if I don't reciprocate with the real me.

A New Morning

It's been a while since my last post. Honestly, it was hard to come back knowing that my last few posts were all about my nephew. But, I'm back. I think. Here and there anyway.

I might choose to make this blog private since I've thought maybe I will post more often. Putting my real thoughts in actual words still scares me. In time, I will make that decision if I think it will help me.

I'm feeling really fired up and sarcastic this morning. I slept fairly well last night and, upon awakening, realized I had a heap-load of nightmares, yuck. Can't wait to share with my T another way my anxiety controls my life. So I'm already a little cranky from the nightmares and I sit my butt firmly in front of the tv to enjoy my morning coffee and news, and low and behold, the satellite is out, again. For no apparent reason. GRRRRRR...... Eh, I'll do something else. I'll read some blogs and write in my blog! I jump on the computer and I watch the stupid spinning colored-wheel and NOTHING is happening. Okay time to restart which has resulted in a major delay between my fingers typing on the keyboard to the letters actually appearing on this page, we're talking like a two second lag. So, I apologize for typos. Sort of makes me chuckle a little because my brain moves so fast when I am writing on paper that I tend to skip over words. Lastly, to sum up this not-so-fabulous morning, my dog thinks I'm a chew toy. Seriously, peeps, she LOVES to play and her idea of playing is chewing on my arm, kicking me with her legs, playfully growling at me... yeah, I love her.

I miss my funny and sarcastic self. I miss feeling bubbly and full of life. I don't think I want to write too much about my ED, but enough to at least help me. I want to write silly antics of things that happen in my life. I do love writing. I love playing with words, but not when it comes to my real feelings. I think I'm going to make fun of myself and not take things so seriously while writing.

Speaking of silliness, yesterday I was instant messaging with a co-worker and I went to type in "got it" to let him know we're good. Instead I typed "go tit". Simple mistake, right? Love my work, everyone got a good laugh from that one!

Speaking of ED, of course it's still here. It's up and down as usual. And really, that's all you need for an update regarding where I'm at with recovery. 100% commitment is scary for me, with anything. That's not to say I'm not 100% committed to my relationship with my husband. Rather, there is a wall between us that keeps us from being really connected. Not to worry, there's an enormous whole in the middle and the entire thing's breaking down on a daily basis. But it's still there. It takes a lot of time to break through brick and mortar.

Off to hopefully a decent Friday. I can already sense the level of sarcasm I'll be firing off when I get into the office.

Have a lovely day!

My aching and broken heart

I've never felt this kind of pain. I ache inside. I want my nephew to be back here on earth. I want him to be sleeping in his own bed every night with his sweet and loving dog, Snow. I want my brother and sister-in-law to no longer ache. I don't even know what to write, how to write. I have good moments and bad moments. He was such a gifted young man. I believe God needed my nephew, Ben. But that will never heal the pain I feel. So we, his family, wait until the day we can be with him again. He was so beautiful inside and out. I miss his fb statuses, I miss his voice. I miss knowing he was enjoying life.
I'm moving forward with recovery, because that is what my sweet nephew would want. He'd want his healthy Aunty Chrissy back. He wouldn't want me to dwell in the darkness of ED. He knew about ED and my other issues. He knew I was there for him to help him through hard times, because he knew I'd been through some hard times of my own. I've lived on my own roller coaster for so long. Now I ride a new roller coaster. For a little while I'll feel peace, then I feel pain and my heart aches. I feel selfish hurting inside for myself. I feel like I should be strong all the time to help my brother and sister-in-law. But I guess that's not real. I guess real is living this roller coaster of emotions. I want him back. I love him so much. I wish you could have met him. You'd understand the pain this family and his friends feel. He was the best.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to go back home after being with my family for more than 10 days. It's going to hurt like hell. Going back to work is going to be so hard. Life will never be the same. Sure I'll move forward and the pain won't hurt as much. I've been through this before. I've watched my stepmother die in front of me. I got through it. But then, I had ED to lean on, I can't have that anymore. I have to rely on real people to help me get through this. It's going to be hard. I just want to be there every moment, every second, for my brother and sister-in-law. 

Man it hurts. I ache so badly. If you only were so lucky to have known him. So many beautiful memories I will cherish forever. Looks like I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight, again. Tears for my sweet nephew. I love you so much Ben baby. I can't wait to see you again. It will never be soon enough.

A tribute to me nephew, Ben.

I lost my nephew Tuesday night. He was taken from this world by a terrible infectious disease, bacterial meningitis. My heart is broken. He was 21 years old, an honor student and a beautiful, amazing and gifted young man. He touched everyone's heart who was in his presence.

If you were a passerby, I'm sure he smiled at you and said "hi or how's it going". If you were more than a passerby you were probably his friend, because he had many.

Ben had an infectious zest for life, it was contagious. If you were in his presence you were certain to be laughing or smiling or simply feeling really good inside, feeling his infectious zest for life. He was there for you if you needed a shoulder to cry on. He knew how to listen and validate your feelings. He was genuine to the core.

Ben had many talents. He helped his mom breed dogs, he was a trainer and handler at dog shows, he was an A student studying to be a veterinarian, he rode a dirt bike, he was star baseball player, I could keep going. He was good at anything he put his mind to. He never gave up. Even while he was laying in the hospital bed he died and came back to life.

He's on the effin news. It's so sad. My heart aches for my brother and sister-in-law. He was their only child. That family was tight. My brother's bond with my nephew was like no other bond I've ever seen. They were tight. They were best friends. But, there were solid boundaries. They truly had a model relationship. They will hurt forever. An empty whole in their hearts for the rest of their lives. We'll all hurt, anyone who's been in Ben's life. But eventually we'll move on and never forget that beautiful young man. Our wound will heal with time. So my heart aches for brother and sister-in-law. I can't imagine the lifetime of pain they'll live with.

A little letter to Ben

Ben, I can't believe you are gone. I love you more than words can express. You and I had a lot in common. Our sense of humor, infectious energy, genuine laughter. You were definitely better at it than I was. You are a true inspiration. I ache for not sending you a plane ticket to come and visit me. Stupid money. Always gets in the way. I loved every moment we had together. Even the time I was babysitting you in Gardner and you went in the backyard with Kujo and I couldn't come and get you because I was afraid he was going to eat me. You were always such a pleasure and so much fun. You were the first infant I ever held. And so far the only one. I was so happy to be there for you when you were having a hard time and only wished I could have been there even more. You are so lucky to have had such a wonderful mom and dad. Even though your mom was pretty tough on you, you knew it was because she loved you so much. They raised you to become a strong and outstanding young man. I can't believe you're gone. The world will never be the same without you. I will look for you in the sky, a beautiful twinkling star, an angel looking over us. Let us feel your energy. It would be so nice. Big hugs and kisses to you my sweet nephew.

With love forever and always,
Auntie Chrissy

I hope God has an amazing purpose for Ben, because I don't get it. How could He do this to this family, my brother and sister-in-law, broken hearts forever. So He better have a great plan because I'm pretty angry at Him.

Long time no post. It's not easy to post when I feel like I'd just be repeating myself over and over again. I've been feeling really lousy lately. Not to worry about weight loss or not gaining. I'm gaining plenty and now I hate it. I've changed my mind, or ED has changed my mind. Well, even as I type that I'm completely torn with wanting to gain and wanting to lose. I know gaining and maintaining my weight is what needs to happen. I wish I could just accept that and be at peace with it.

I wish a lot of things. I wish I could accept and be at peace with myself. My dietician recommended that I watch the movie A Beautiful Mind. I've never seen it. I figured it's gotta be good for me if my dietician recommends it so I went out and bought it on Blue Ray. Hubby and I watched it last night. It was good. It was really good. It's the type of movie that I love to watch. She said to look at his alters as if it was my ED. She wanted me to see how eventually he learned to ignore these people in his mind. Even though they weren't all bad, they were not healthy for him for many reasons.

Just like the ED. He acts like he's a good thing for me, especially since he's been with me most of my life. But I know, I really know how much he's taken from my life -- family, friendships, a house, jobs, money, health, confidence, security -- you get the picture.

My biggest struggle will be to break down the walls that I think are protecting me. This is going to be hard, probably equally as hard as following a meal plan. I've tried, especially with hubby, to slowly break down the walls. It was scary and hard. It only lasted for two, maybe three weeks. Slowly I found myself putting my walls back up. I got scared, anxious, stressed. I felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed.

These walls are going to keep me a very lonely and isolated girl if I don't break them down. You see, they screw up everything, these walls. I've got a friend who's sick and really needs love and support from her friends and family. I wanted to be there for her, I tried to be there for her. But it meant that I needed to break out of my safety zone. There were multiple reasons that stopped me. The big one is that I could be right where she is at. I told my dietician that I just couldn't do all of it. I told her I wanted to end my life. Then to here how sick my friend is the next day made me very sad and very scared. Not just for my friend but for me, too. Because I could be her, in that same situation.

I would love to continue this post but I've got to get ready for work. Work is the one thing where I can be dependable and reliable. What am I trying to prove? The rest of my life is a mess. I am an actress. I am successful at my job and that's it. My parents always told me I was a great little actress and I would grow up to be one. They were right. Unfortunately, I just put my own twist on this career.

Do I just throw in the towel with work? It makes me crazy anyway. Why, in my twisted mind, is work more important than me?

Some things change and some just stay the same

I'm pissed off. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm confused. And I don't know what to do. Work is still chaotic. As I mentioned before, this makes recovery even more challenging. I'm depressed. I didn't think this feeling would come back. But this time it's a totally different depression.

Last year I couldn't deal with getting dressed every morning. This would set the mood for the day which wasn't very positive. I couldn't deal with feeling my clothes touching my skin. I missed being a hanger. Guess what? I got what I wanted. I became a hanger for my clothes. So, what I thought I wanted is really not at all what I wanted. I loathe getting dressed every morning. Yesterday I lost it. I had a complete breakdown crying hysterically and hyperventilating and trying to pull myself together to go to work. I was so close to calling my T because I didn't think I was going to be able to calm myself down to make it through the day. I went and had a smoke (something I am supposed to be giving up) and it helped calm me down. And I made it to work and managed to have a fairly decent day.

This meal plan and weight thing is not going the way I expected. Getting everything in on my meal plan is beyond difficult. I am paranoid every day not certain if I really got it all in. I'm slacking on journaling and tracking my meals--something my dietician needs me to do. This probably creates more chaos. But really, when the eff am I going to make time? My head is spinning as it is. Here's the weird part. I'm paranoid I'm not gaining and that I'm still losing weight and I really don't want to lose the weight. I WANT to gain it. It's so freaking weird that I actually want to gain weight. I NEVER thought I'd actually want that. This tells me that I really want recovery. I really want to move on from my life with ED. I don't want it anymore. It's no good for me and my future.

Thoughts of wanting to have a baby are strong lately. I want to nurture and help grow a little baby in my belly. It's all around me, pregnant women. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to have that.

I want my life back and it still seems so far away. I hate this depression because I hate the unhealthy thoughts it creates in my mind.

Last night there was a going away party for a co-worker who is moving out of the state. I wanted to go and my husband wanted to go but I was exhausted, and sick to my stomach all day. I got home from work and sat on the couch and 1/2 hour later I was falling asleep. I didn't want to wake myself up. I didn't want to hang out with friends and have a good time. I just wanted to sleep. Sooo tired. I fucking hate it, being so tired and drained. This just makes me more depressed.

I need more help. I still think about IP even though it's not a possibility. So I need to be stronger. I need to figure out how I can be more successful with my recovery. Husband was supposed to step up big time with helping me and that's not going well. Something else to add to my depression. Okay I am crying now and once again feel as though I'm going to lose it. Yay me!

Supposed to go see a super fun band tonight with hubby and friends. Please God, give me the strength to follow through with this commitment as I've already blown two other commitments off this weekend.

I have so many random (as you can see by this post) and negative thoughts flying through my head right now so I'm going to take a time out. A negative one at that. I'm going to get some cigarettes. I don't care that I'm supposed to be giving it up. It's better than relying on my anxiety meds which I could seriously be popping all the time and I don't want to become addicted. I've got enough of those already.

The Great Wall

I wish I made more time to blog. It's hard when you work long days and then have to come home and make dinner and try to get some quiet time to unwind from the busy day. Work is beyond busy. I joke that we're working at warp speed. Recovery seems so much more challenging when you're working at warp speed and completely distracted from everything else in life. All you know is work, meeting the next deadline, creating the next estimate, getting the files to the printer, scheduling and attending meetings, making everybody happy, and so on.

I took a little extra time for my recovery last Thursday. My T and D were speaking on a panel for National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. I attended the event with my beautiful group girls. I told my husband it'll probably end around 7-7:30ish. Well it didn't. And I didn't get home until 8:30ish. As soon as I walked in the door I could feel the house full of tension. My husband was not happy that I came home later than anticipated. I didn't call or text. I blew up big time. It's no fun being accused of a creation formed in your husbands mind. I sincerely didn't and haven't done anything to deserve this distrust.

The week moves on and husband seems pretty quiet up until last night. I called him out by telling him I thought he seemed quiet and wanted to know if he had something on his mind. Nothing. Something had been on my mind. I was and still am upset. I was hoping to get an apology but never got one. I don't know. Maybe he thought I should have been the one to apologize since I blew up.

It's hard to continue to choose recovery when it seems like my husband prefers me in my ED so I'll stay home and isolate so I don't spend time with my friends.

I'm moving forward. This is not for him this is for me. I HAVE to do this. I HAVE to recover. I need to know what it's like to be deep into recovery. I want to know what it's like to be all of me again. I don't deserve a life like this.

But... this food and meal plan thing sucks bad. I HATE it. My stomach feels so swollen. It feels so cruel. I don't understand why it has to be so much so fast. But I have to keep going. I have to walk through the new door. I'll kick and scream the whole way. I'll stir up some heated discussions, stomp my feet, pout, be anggryyy! But I'll keep doing it. Because if I don't, my ED will win. And this time, it's my turn to win.

Happy Crappy Monday!

Anorexia = Insomnia

That's what my dietician told me when I saw her this week. This is something I know but never really "heard" it. I thought maybe it had to do with the medication. My logical brain knew it was the lack of nutrition and calories. I wanted so badly to believer it was the meds. I still want to believe that, but that must be my ED brain playing tricks on me.

Recovery is hard work. Every meal, if I'm not crying hysterically at my plate of food while it stares back at me with googly eyes, then I'm screaming inside because I don't want to eat it. But I do it. Each frickin' meal. I sit and hang out with my anxiety and nausea. Yea, good times.

I can't keep relying on ED anymore. Every time I slip into relapse-mode ED gets stronger and stronger. Even though it gets stronger, my reaction to get back into recovery is a lot quicker.  Every day, multiple times a day, I teeter-totter on continuing with recovery or just throwing in the towel and let ED have it's way with me. Wow! Revelation. "Have it's way with me". That triggers some vivid and scary memories. Giving in, not putting up the fight for myself. It'll be easier this way because then I won't have to deal with anger and pain. ED or self harm will help me let it all go.

Growing up I was always accused of creating fights in my house between mom and dad. I was considered the "trouble maker". I just wanted to be a good girl. I didn't truly believe I was the one causing the fights but when you here this repeatedly, over and over like a broken record, you begin to think "maybe I am the problem". That resulted in me being "peacemaker" in social circles. I always put myself in the middle to protect a friend or keep friend's from fighting. That doesn't sound like a bad thing, right? Most of the time I would get hurt in one emotional way or another. And most of the time, the friend I was protecting didn't even notice or appreciate what I was doing. And of course I always felt bad for being such a bitch towards the person causing my friend pain. I learned to fight and hurt your family members and protect the people in your social circle. Don't rock the boat with friends but break your family member down until they are crawling on their knees and they feel like crap. Why? Because this is what I saw and learned, day after day, year after year.

This is something I did for years and years, more than half my life. No wonder I have major issues with loving myself and trusting others. I never learned how to develop a successful relationship with anyone. I didn't have good role models. I feel sad for the little girl that I was. I look back at my life and it's more than just a roller coaster, it's a tornado, shizz flying everywhere completely out of control not knowing which direction to go, when to land or how to land.

I think I like the child me better than the older me. I was one resilient kid with opinions and strength. I definitely wasn't a door mat. Today I am a door mat. If I dare express my opinion or show strength or assertiveness I feel completely guilty and I get mad at myself which turns into a sad me where fuel is fed to the "I hate me" fire.

I have a temper which scares the hell out of me. Before, when I was on a different med, I was numb to all feelings and I hated it. Now I miss it. I hate feeling anger. For me, it's usually explosive. And it's no fun if you are the target. And for those of you who were the target, I am truly, truly sorry.

Talk about a random post! And to continue with the randomness, yesterday morning my hubby and I watched Zombieland. A rather silly and comical movie about four people trying to survive in a world of zombies. Well, I had nightmares last night. It wasn't zombies trying to hunt me down and kill me. It was "that" man. That horrible, horrible man who has scarred me for the rest of my life. I can't believe I saw him in my dream last night. In my errr... nightmare, my brother invited him to our party. We were swimming in the water and up appears his head. I asked my brother, "Why did you invite him?" His response, "I thought it was water under the bridge". I decided it was time I gave him a piece of my mind which turned into him chasing me to torture me physically. He managed with some success by mutilating my toe and my leg. I will NEVER forgive him. I don't want to. He was a bad, bad man.

My next dream was pretty unpleasant as well. You see, every night I put my wedding and engagement ring in my jewelry box. Last night, I put them on the coffee table. In my dream, I took them off and put them on a friend's coffee table. The next morning the rings were gone. I was so upset with myself for not putting them in the jewelry box. But I wasn't at home so how could I have put them away properly? It didn't matter. I was so mad at myself for taking them off knowing they didn't have their proper home to sleep in.

I have plans with myself today. Got a few errands I need to run. Planning to head to Nordstrom to pick up some Toms. If you are reading this my lovely, I will post a pic on FB and tag you and you'll be so proud! Gotta hit Costco and Whole Foods to stock up on the food supply. Hopefully will visit Bed, Bath & Beyond to use my gift card I got at Christmas. Then, I've gotta to do some of those challenging therapy assignments which I think a lot about but avoid writing it out like the plague.

Best of luck my plans today! I can't say goals anymore. It's a triggering word. Ahhhh... more randomness.

Latah!

Morning Conundrums

This morning is the official start of following the dreaded meal plan. Hubby and I are supposed to start the morning off earlier than usual in order for him to sit with me through meal #1, breakfast. It didn't work out that way... this morning. Hubby thought I meant just on the weekends we need to get up early so he can sit through breakfast with me. What? Seriously? You think I need help on just the weekends? Huh?

I was quite upset that he didn't realize it was EVERY DAY. He didn't formally apologize but he did say he will get up earlier and it would be nice to have a bowl of cereal before he heads off to work. Yes! Now it seems that he gets it. And it's a good thing too because this morning has been one trigger after another.

Burned my piece of toast. Eh, I'll cover it up with the egg yolk and spinach. It should be ok. Egg was a bit runny and that is just gross. Eh, I'll live. It's not THAT runny. Dropped a piece of gooey toast dripping with egg yolk on my jammies. I'll just use a napkin to clean it off. Not that big of a deal. Poor spinach, you taste like pure salt! Grrrr... I guess I put too much salt on my spinach. I didn't realize there could ever be a situation where I added too much salt. After all, I do love my salt. My reaction, I'll just grin and bare it. Shoot, I dropped my fork. Time to get a new one.

My morning is so thrown off and I sit here with this food in my stomach feeling gross. Such is the way to recovery. I'm committed. I hate how I feel but I need to do this. I've already thought of a million ways on how I can cheat this meal plan but there's no point. It's not going to benefit me. Sure it may benefit my hips but it's not about the hips. It's deeper than that. Why do I want to cheat? What does it prove and to whom? Questions to dig and find answers for.

Time for me to start my "normal" morning routine. Breakfast is done: check! I figuritively see my dietician smiling at me :)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Trust is "uncomfortable"

For the past few weeks I've been trying to find a way to do this IP thing... again. Insurance is AWESOME! They're like, "we don't cover that. Actually, we don't even know what you're talking about. IP? Treatment center?" Clearly my insurance company is not very up-to-date. Through pure desparation I contacted my T and told her that I am at a complete loss. I know that if I continue to live like this there'd be a good chance I wouldn't make it to see 2012. Well, maybe none of us will since that's when the world is supposed to end. ED says go ahead and give it all you've got and we can see if you actually make it. I say I want to make it so I need to seek real-time help.

I'm tired of not getting good sleep night after night. Suffering from nightmares that are too vivd to distinguish whether the situation actually happened. Waking up with a splitting headache. Forgetting things throughout the day. Tired of people commenting on my appearance -- both negative and positive remarks. Tired of pushing everybody away because I lack the ability to really trust people. Tired of hating myself and causing physical harm to my body. It's no way to live.

Nearly three months later, I finally got to see my T yesterday. I was in a fairly good mood which is such a refresher compared to the absolute major depression and anxiety that I was living with everyday for the past few months. It felt so good to see her. She makes me feel safe. I trust her and I can't say that about too many people. Not even my own family. We "caught up" on my going's on these past couple of months as my entire body was trembling and shaking with anxiety, even my voice was shaking. I did my best to try and ignore it but it was difficult. We talked about how I'm going to be pushed pretty hard since I'm not new to this whole treatment / re-feeding thing. The pressure is on and I'm scared to death!

I was given some pretty intense homework assignments that I started working on last night, in my head. This stuff makes me pretty sad. So, already feeling a bit down I woke up today feeling down-right lousy, both physically and mentally. Part of it is because I get to see my dietician today. I don't know if I can do it. T asked, "what is going to make you be able to do recovery this time around?" I know WHY I want to recover I just don't know HOW I'm going to be able to follow a meal plan. I need IP because I need someone to sit with me through all my meals. I'm not going to have that opportunity doing OP.

This is where the "trust" comes in. I've got to be able to trust someone at my work to help me through this, to sit with me through breakfast and lunch... and whatever else my D decides to throw in. I know I can't be accountable on my own. I've tried that one too many times to watch myself fail. There are some people in the office that I considered to be "friends". As T says, I tested them and they failed. I don't even want to be around them anymore. They disgust me. There is one girl in the office that I think I can trust. The thought of this brings tears to my eyes. It means that if I let myself trust this person to sit and eat with me then all my back doors are closed. ED will lose. And then begins the ultimate battle in my mind. Me vs. ED and it's no fun at all. Always keeping that back door opened just a little brings comfort. I need to learn how to keep that door closed and still find comfort.

I really want to write more frequently on my blog. I'm hoping I can feel safe enough / trust enough to be able to write even while my husband sits next to me on the couch. I know. Sounds crazy, right? I feel like he creeps into my head and can read what I'm thinking and writing through osmosis or something. Pretty frickin' crazy thinking. So, to add to the countless other homework assignments for couples therapy and my T, I will add my own homework assignment and that is to blog at least three times a week. I think that's doable.

Peace out!

Stuck in the middle with you

When it comes to work I'm really good at making decisions. I weigh the pros and cons to a situation, evaluate, maybe do a little research, and then I make the decision. Ta Da! Problem solved. It's not so easy to make a decision when it comes to me and my health. This chic gets stuck in situations a lot. And well, this chic is the one who creates the situation where she ends up being stuck. Blah! So why can't I make a decision you might ask? It's scary, I guess. Is it a perfection thing? Maybe. If I do it and fail then that was a waste of money... again. If I do it can I succeed? It hasn't worked in the past so why would it be any different this time? Can I just do it on my own? Um, nothing really seems to be changing on my own.

This decision is to go or not to go... IP, or maybe not IP, maybe PHP or... something that requires an incredibly enormous time commitment which will keep me from being in the office 40+ hours per week. So I sit here stuck with myself, not being able to make a decision.

T says I need to pick up the phone and make the call. That's the first step. The only commitment involved is making that phone call. Surely this is something I can do. But that phone call is very powerful. In my mind that phone call means I have made the commitment to go. I do want to go. I don't want to live my life like this anymore. I really want so much more out my life than living with this cruel disease. I should really start making a list of what this disease takes away from me on a daily basis. That's right. Every single day this disease takes pieces of me.

It would be great if treatment didn't cost anything or just a minimal fee. I'm sure my insurance won't be very beneficial. So this financial stress continues to keep me stuck.

So this is where I've been lately. Stuck. Stuck fantasizing about all the wonderful and yummy foods I want to eat and make, dreaming of the day that food won't be so scary and hold so much power over me. Stuck torturing myself for all of my imperfections and disappointment and disgust that I have towards myself. Stuck wondering if this is how my life is supposed to play out while dragging people around me down into my well. Stuck not knowing if the grass really can be greener on the other side.

Change

Change is hard. I guess that's why I've been stuck with this ED for so long. I can recognize that I've made some changes in my life recently. So change is not impossible. If you just go with it...

Some things I've been "going with"

• Miss N chose a variety of treats (treats sound so much better than meds) for me to get this body back in-line. One treat was so scary I couldn't do it on my own. I had to make a visit to Miss N every morning for my treat. With the weekend upon me, I had to learn to indulge in this treat on my own. I managed. Even with one not-so-fun experience. A couple of other treats got my usual half-ass lack of commitment kind of deal. Over the weekend I left one treat at work so I missed that benefit. The other treat was easy to have in the morning, but evenings have been a major fail. In the end, treat's one and four are a major success. Treat's two and three need improvement.

So there's my Change (with a capital C) for the week. I wish it was better. ED still makes some of my decisions. 100% change / recovery is hard. I give in a lot. The voices are so loud and they don't stop. Then there's good stress and bad stress. And the bad stress is not knowing if my job is secure. So I rely on ED and bad behaviors to make it through the day, each day. And it's hard. It's sad -- that I allow this ED to keep me weak both physically and mentally. That I can't make that change.

They say it's a choice. Giving it all you've got. Some days I agree and other days ED is so strong it makes it hard to agree. I'm not giving up. I just need to learn how to not give in so easily. I started this post yesterday. Today I tried to listen to my body and it's hunger signals. I ate lunch and later felt a little hungry so I had a snack. That was CHANGE. Afterwards, I felt awful. Guilty. Shameful. That I allowed myself to get so carried away. That was not change. And it's something I have to fight to maintain 100% recovery.

The weekend is upon me. ED is lurking it's ugly and eery head. It's ready to challenge anything good I have planned for the weekend, or even just one day. You see, weekends are the most challenging for me. So my goal for the evening is to work on a plan to have a ED free day tomorrow. I know it won't be ED free, the voices are too loud and too constant. The goal will be to ignore the voices and not use ED behaviors. I can make it one day. I've done it before. The question is can I make it two days in a row? Too scary to think about for too long, so it's one day at a time for now. Actually, it's one moment / one meal at a time.

Results

Waiting for lab results always creates a tinge of anxiety for me. This time around I wasn't too worried that anything would come back saying I was deficient. Well, it did and I am. I thought for sure none of this was related to the ED, but I am wrong. It took a few days to find out it is related to the ED. I emailed my dietitian asking her about these deficiencies and whether or not something could really be wrong with my body, wondering if it was something potentially life-threatening. She's all, "Yes, there really is something wrong. ED is a life-threating illness and what you are doing is really wrong!" As I read her words some tears started to fill my eyes and flow down my face. Apparently it doesn't matter what size you are when you are in your ED. You don't have to be deathly emaciated in order to have bad lab results.

It's been a rough week. Working through this ED crap isn't easy. At times it creates more anxiety than this chic can handle. Throw in a co-worker in my department getting let go and suddenly I have no qualms about saying to other co-workers as we sit in the conference room of doom, "Excuse me, I think I'll go take a Xanax and have a smoke". More than this chic can handle, considering I'm constantly feeling as though I'm walking on egg shells regarding the security of my own job. Pretty much popping a Xanax on a daily basis just to make it through the day.

I do the very best I can in my job. I'm always trying to make the AM's work lives easier, smoother and worry-free. But someone's "out to get me". And that someone can pull a card so quickly that I can instantly become jobless. {insert more anxiety here}. There are no examples or situations for why this person is out to get me. I've checked with the appropriate "higher-ups" to find out if there's anything lacking / anything I can do better. The response is a resounding, "You are doing great! I haven't had any concerns or complaints!" This leads me to believe that this nameless person is a monster / demon with two heads. The head that is shown to me is light-hearted and appreciative. The other head, which I believe is the real head, is on an ego trip. And I really hope nameless person gets bit in the ass hard for putting me through so much anxiety and lack of confidence that I go through my work days trying to manage to NOT have a mental breakdown.

I believe in God but I don't attend regular service or anything like that. Well, this nameless monster / demon person plays a big part in his church. And I hope it is God that bites him in the ass because that would hurt the most. Mean? Cruel? Ruthless? Maybe. But that's how badly I suffer, and unfortunately, if you make me suffer this much, then you should suffer too because you are a cause of my suffering.

Friday was not successful with not having a mental breakdown. As I was walking through the main lobby to head upstairs, ex co-worker came in to get the rest of their belongings. We shared a hug, I let them know how fabulous they are, and I bolted upstairs with tears flowing down my cheeks. Safely, I made it to another co-workers office, which is where I was going in the first place, and let it all flow... tears streaming, gasping for breath and all. I tried to act like this mental breakdown was a result of bumping into the now ex co-worker. But it was quite a bit more than that.

I go above and beyond in my job. I help other's when it's really not my position to help at all. I mentioned to this co-worker whom I shared my mental breakdown with that I need it to be recognized when I do go above and beyond because I don't feel like they recognize my value. They being not the higher-ups, but the card players. The one's who create your destiny in a moments notice.

Believe it or not I love my job. I'm not in love with where I work currently, but I love what I do. It keeps me going and it keeps me from letting ED completely take over. It's weird how strong my logical brain can be. Many, many times it has saved me from making really bad decisions. At times this has been extremely frustrating because it never allowed me to be really good at my ED. Which in all actuality, is such a good thing. But I wonder if I had ever just allowed myself to get really deep into the ED, would I still be fighting for 100% recovery today? All the half-ass efforts with attempt towards recovery maybe I would have been more willing to dig deep and open up completely? I don't know. And I will never know. What I do know is that I was never given the opportunity to get to my goal weight because of injuries and being busted by my doctor. It's so embarrassing for me to let people know I'm not perfect. Sounds ridiculous but it's true. So I was never able to fully accomplish what I'd started because of the embarrassment and humiliation I would feel. In a weird way, I guess it's a good thing for me to be a people-pleaser and perfectionist with a competitive nature. Because I rely so heavily on what other's think of me that it has essentially saved me.

Door #1: Opened

It's always great to fantasize about how amazing and colorful and dreamy the new year will be. You hear it and read it all over the place, people so excited for that fresh, new start. I had my head in the clouds fantasizing how wonderful my new year would be. CLOUDS. Those big, white puffy things that float within the sky. They go away, you know, those clouds. They either dissipate into nothingness or they'll be blown away by the wind.

My excitement for the new year has been blown away by the wind. The excitement has been replaced by hopelessness, guilt, sadness, anger, paranoia, frustration and all-in-all full board HATE towards myself. Be gentle to yourself, right? Isn't that what we've been taught? When you're this far down the well nothing positive can sink into the brain. There's nothing anybody can do for you to help jump in the bucket while they pull you up. You're not sinking, you've already sunk and you're drowning. Thank goodness the water isn't deep, otherwise you're done.

I'm able to keep my head above water, unless a trigger goes off. Then it's a quick ride to the psych ward to keep myself safe, from... myself. It's embarrassing for me to admit how distorted my thinking is and how much I suffer inside. I've closed so many doors to friends because I can't stand to be around myself. Therefore, I believe I'm benefitting these friends by keeping myself away from them because there's nothing good here anymore, I have nothing to offer, I'm all damaged.

This blog is about ED recovery. The goal is to give 100% towards recovery in 2011. I've made great strides in adding food to this body three times a day. I wouldn't say I've had three meals a day, but the fact that I've eaten three times a day is a success. I'm trying to convince myself that this is a success... as I sit here repeatedly telling myself "go get some lunch, go get some lunch". Rather, I'm starting this fantastic blog that I had planned on starting January 1. And there lies some guilt. Like I've let my readers down. I don't even have any readers yet so who am I really letting down? Sounds silly to me.

It took me quite a while to figure out what I wanted to call my blog. I chose Opening New Doors because in my roughly 26 years of playing with ED, I've never really given recovery 100%. Along with that, I've never really allowed anyone to fully help me. I've never really been able to ask for help and follow through with taking care of myself. I've never been able to really open myself up and allow people to really get to know me. And, I've never given myself the chance to really get to know and accept me.

So here I am, opening up new doors and allowing you to follow me on this journey.

Oh. And I got myself some lunch :)