Sedentary Stages of Life

This post was written back in May, I think :) I have an antique computer (not really) that stopped allowing me to post on my blog. So this not-so-lovely post has been sitting in my Drafts box for months. My husband and I decided, since both of our computers are ancient, we need to purchase something from this century. Albeit it's not my beloved Mac, but that will come in due time. So for now, here's an update from a couple of months or so ago. I will post a real update of my current state within the next few days:

I'm not going to begin this post by apologizing for rarely posting on my blog. It's my blog so I can post however infrequently I desire. However, I do wish I would post more often but I'm a bit insecure regarding what I might end up posting. Hell, I don't know if anybody reads this thing anyway.

Anyhoo, my sedentary life is anything but living. I met with my D today and instead of gaining weight, which is apparently still the goal, I lost weight. WTF? Admittedly I've been doing far too many physical activities and only using my meal plan as a "guide". I don't know how my mind convinces itself to intuitively eat because I am nowhere near that. I start making decisions based on how I feel and what sounds satisfying, and I can sit in this for so long that I end up missing part of the meal plan or trying to make up for it by drinking my calories, all because I don't feel hungry and I want to eat like a "normal" person.

I'm so annoyed. Why can't I get this right? I was thinking earlier today, losing weight and being in E.D. recovery is an oxymoron. How can I say I'm in recovery? Reason being is, there's a whole lot more to it than following a meal plan. And that is why I can say I am in recovery. I am listening with a keener ear, I am more willing to make drastic changes in my life and I've become extremely self-aware. So it's more than just the number on the scale that defines one's recovery, it's the stuff underneath the number that drives it.

I always seem to feel like I'm a target at the gun club when I see my T and D. I'm worried that my T doesn't trust everything I'm telling her. I'm worried that she is giving up on me. Today, my D kind of put me on a one-week probation. I have to follow my meal plan 100% exactly with zero mistakes or deals or bargaining. I'm pretty sure if I don't follow I will be fired. Again. I can't lose my treatment team. I rely on them so much to keep me sane. I know they don't think they are helping me because I fall off track so easily, but they are helping me and I do need them in my life. I think I would be pretty close to death without them.

With all of that said, I'm restricted from physical activity until I can prove that I can follow my meal plan exactly as it's written. AND, I still have to drink boost. I've been on boost for two freakin' months! I'm thinking my body just doesn't want all those calories but it doesn't matter what I think anymore. Actually, it never really has mattered. I don't know why I even listen to myself. I know it won't steer me in the right direction with my meal plan. It never really has. I wish they could give me a drug where I was more robot-like when it came to my meal plan so I wouldn't be able to think. But, on the downside of the brilliant idea, I'd be on them for the rest of my life. And that sounds pretty shitty to me.

I like to think of myself as a pretty fast learner. But when it comes to recovery I'm slower than a snails tail. I wish I understood why. It's just breaking old habits and making positive changes, right? What's so bad about that? Call me resistant, stubborn, non-compliant, whatever. I'm just plain scared. Logically I know only good things will come out of making all these positive changes but I'm used to the negative, I guess. Not always but sometimes. Just like I'm good, sometimes.

So tonight I'm gonna sit my skinny-ass on the couch and be a couch potato while I eat. After all, I'm a human being not a human doing.

A Poem to my brother and sister-in-law

Today is my nephew's memorial service and scholarship fundraising dinner. I don't get to be there. I'm stuck in treatment for the third and last time. I can't keep going back to my eating disorder and screwing up my life. I'm tired of living this life of torturing myself. It's no way to live and I certainly wouldn't be ok if anybody else did this to themselves. I need to accept that I have to make drastic changes in my life and how I handle things.

I continue to learn so much about myself here at EDCD. I've got a long road ahead of me. It's a whole lot longer than I ever could have imagined. If only I was this aware when I first started treatment back in 2004 I would think I'd be in a much better place. It doesn't matter really, all that matters is that I push myself and be willing to make drastic changes, feeling all the pain and discomfort, to get to the other side. I will trust that I can do this change on my life journey.

In the meantime, today is truly a difficult day. Yesterday was a surreal day as it was one year since Ben left the earth. I will try to remain present today even though my heart aches to be with my family. They need me and I need them.

This is a poem I wrote yesterday to my brother and sister-in-law. I love you , little Benny.



The stars in the sky will be bright tonight,
the angels above will emit their light.

Be still for a moment and let the world spin,
feel the love around you, don't be afraid to let it in.

A boy so precious then a man so proud,
with dreams and goals to share aloud.

A mom and dad bleeding hearts full of love,
close your eyes and you see the white dove.

For he is with you always even times of despair,
open your hearts and breathe in the air.

Hold onto the memories, let go of the pain,
he wants you to live and feel free again.

Honor your child by showing him strength,
a beautiful gift as you would go any length.

He will always be with you, though you may not see.
Take comfort in your dreams for that is where he will be.

The Rabbit Hole

I feel like Alice who fell in the rabbit hole and entered a whole new world—surreal and exciting yet terrifying and emotional. I'm definitely discovering who I really am and well, there's definitely some good but a lot of not-so-good too.

I'm sitting here at work and I can't seem to focus for crap. I don't even want to be here. I really don't know where I want to be right now. I don't even know what I want out of life anymore. I feel like what I want is unattainable, without actually even knowing what it is exactly that I want.

I know I want to raise a child. I know I want to have a baby. But I don't think my body will let me have one. I feel like I should have been lucky enough to have gotten pregnant by now. I don't even know if I could raise a child in a healthy environment. I feel like I'm too crazy, a bad example because I do not-so-good things. Always wanting to run from something.

My eating disorder is fully on board with me not being able to figure out what the hell I'm doing. Slowly but surely it has taken over. And I want to eat, and I crave yummy food but the ED won't let me. I'm obsessed with my body and wonder how much weight might I have lost today. It seems that enough is never enough and it breaks my heart that this is where I am at.

I was thinking back to a few years ago why a fellow recovering friend couldn't understand why I wouldn't even eat a little cutie orange because there are not many calories in it. It took me this long to figure out why I didn't want to eat it. It's because it's food. It goes into your mouth and you taste it and chew it and swallow it. And that is eating. And that's why I didn't even want the little cutie orange.

I truly have no idea what to do. I'm supposed to go home in April for my nephews memorial service and I've lost a TON of weight since I last saw my mom in November. And she'll notice. And I'm terrified to get caught. Will I be sent off to treatment? I don't think I can do this alone. I'm at a whole new place with my eating disorder. I'm doing things I haven't done since I was a teenager and that alone scares that shit out of me.

Where am I?

I'm a bit distracted this morning while attempting to watch the morning news. I can't stop thinking about group last night. Specifically, I can't stop thinking about two questions that I can't even seem to answer.

1. What's it going to take to stop giving into my eating disorder?
2. Why do I want to hold onto my eating disorder?

I tell myself I don't want to hold onto it. But, truthfully, I do hold onto it. If I didn't, these questions wouldn't exist. As a result, I'm feeling rather stoic. And I don't like this feeling. But it is Friday! And Friday's come with a heavy dose of sarcasm bellowing out of my mouth. Hopefully that will help distract me from this uncomfortable, stoic place.

Something is going on with me because I'm keeping my distance from people I care about. I don't know if it's a result of the fun shenanigan's I'm dealing with in individual, or actually hearing from my doctor that I am a myriad of mental health issues so I'm a difficult case to treat.

I knew this since I was pretty young, that I was "off". While it's nice to be validated, it also sucks donkey balls.

I wish I could have a voice in group again. My sweet group girls feel like they don't me because I rarely share. I never know what to share. I never know how much to share. I always feel so uncomfortable after. Wondering if I made sense or if I sound like I'm just complaining or blabbering or I blow up and become defensive and show everyone my wall that lacks any color. I think I'm afraid of them and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Each of them seem to have a buddy all for themselves in group. They have someone in group where they've become connected. I've never had that in the roughly two years that I've been in group. There is one other girl like me swimming in the sea from a lonely island hoping to join up with the other dolphins, and maybe she will get a companion. I dig her, she's cool. But I don't see her being my companion, dolphin buddy. I think our world's are too different.

Maybe if I opened up. Maybe if I tried a little harder. I don't know why I'm hiding myself. I want real relationships but it's never going to work if I don't reciprocate with the real me.

A New Morning

It's been a while since my last post. Honestly, it was hard to come back knowing that my last few posts were all about my nephew. But, I'm back. I think. Here and there anyway.

I might choose to make this blog private since I've thought maybe I will post more often. Putting my real thoughts in actual words still scares me. In time, I will make that decision if I think it will help me.

I'm feeling really fired up and sarcastic this morning. I slept fairly well last night and, upon awakening, realized I had a heap-load of nightmares, yuck. Can't wait to share with my T another way my anxiety controls my life. So I'm already a little cranky from the nightmares and I sit my butt firmly in front of the tv to enjoy my morning coffee and news, and low and behold, the satellite is out, again. For no apparent reason. GRRRRRR...... Eh, I'll do something else. I'll read some blogs and write in my blog! I jump on the computer and I watch the stupid spinning colored-wheel and NOTHING is happening. Okay time to restart which has resulted in a major delay between my fingers typing on the keyboard to the letters actually appearing on this page, we're talking like a two second lag. So, I apologize for typos. Sort of makes me chuckle a little because my brain moves so fast when I am writing on paper that I tend to skip over words. Lastly, to sum up this not-so-fabulous morning, my dog thinks I'm a chew toy. Seriously, peeps, she LOVES to play and her idea of playing is chewing on my arm, kicking me with her legs, playfully growling at me... yeah, I love her.

I miss my funny and sarcastic self. I miss feeling bubbly and full of life. I don't think I want to write too much about my ED, but enough to at least help me. I want to write silly antics of things that happen in my life. I do love writing. I love playing with words, but not when it comes to my real feelings. I think I'm going to make fun of myself and not take things so seriously while writing.

Speaking of silliness, yesterday I was instant messaging with a co-worker and I went to type in "got it" to let him know we're good. Instead I typed "go tit". Simple mistake, right? Love my work, everyone got a good laugh from that one!

Speaking of ED, of course it's still here. It's up and down as usual. And really, that's all you need for an update regarding where I'm at with recovery. 100% commitment is scary for me, with anything. That's not to say I'm not 100% committed to my relationship with my husband. Rather, there is a wall between us that keeps us from being really connected. Not to worry, there's an enormous whole in the middle and the entire thing's breaking down on a daily basis. But it's still there. It takes a lot of time to break through brick and mortar.

Off to hopefully a decent Friday. I can already sense the level of sarcasm I'll be firing off when I get into the office.

Have a lovely day!

My aching and broken heart

I've never felt this kind of pain. I ache inside. I want my nephew to be back here on earth. I want him to be sleeping in his own bed every night with his sweet and loving dog, Snow. I want my brother and sister-in-law to no longer ache. I don't even know what to write, how to write. I have good moments and bad moments. He was such a gifted young man. I believe God needed my nephew, Ben. But that will never heal the pain I feel. So we, his family, wait until the day we can be with him again. He was so beautiful inside and out. I miss his fb statuses, I miss his voice. I miss knowing he was enjoying life.
I'm moving forward with recovery, because that is what my sweet nephew would want. He'd want his healthy Aunty Chrissy back. He wouldn't want me to dwell in the darkness of ED. He knew about ED and my other issues. He knew I was there for him to help him through hard times, because he knew I'd been through some hard times of my own. I've lived on my own roller coaster for so long. Now I ride a new roller coaster. For a little while I'll feel peace, then I feel pain and my heart aches. I feel selfish hurting inside for myself. I feel like I should be strong all the time to help my brother and sister-in-law. But I guess that's not real. I guess real is living this roller coaster of emotions. I want him back. I love him so much. I wish you could have met him. You'd understand the pain this family and his friends feel. He was the best.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to go back home after being with my family for more than 10 days. It's going to hurt like hell. Going back to work is going to be so hard. Life will never be the same. Sure I'll move forward and the pain won't hurt as much. I've been through this before. I've watched my stepmother die in front of me. I got through it. But then, I had ED to lean on, I can't have that anymore. I have to rely on real people to help me get through this. It's going to be hard. I just want to be there every moment, every second, for my brother and sister-in-law. 

Man it hurts. I ache so badly. If you only were so lucky to have known him. So many beautiful memories I will cherish forever. Looks like I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight, again. Tears for my sweet nephew. I love you so much Ben baby. I can't wait to see you again. It will never be soon enough.

A tribute to me nephew, Ben.

I lost my nephew Tuesday night. He was taken from this world by a terrible infectious disease, bacterial meningitis. My heart is broken. He was 21 years old, an honor student and a beautiful, amazing and gifted young man. He touched everyone's heart who was in his presence.

If you were a passerby, I'm sure he smiled at you and said "hi or how's it going". If you were more than a passerby you were probably his friend, because he had many.

Ben had an infectious zest for life, it was contagious. If you were in his presence you were certain to be laughing or smiling or simply feeling really good inside, feeling his infectious zest for life. He was there for you if you needed a shoulder to cry on. He knew how to listen and validate your feelings. He was genuine to the core.

Ben had many talents. He helped his mom breed dogs, he was a trainer and handler at dog shows, he was an A student studying to be a veterinarian, he rode a dirt bike, he was star baseball player, I could keep going. He was good at anything he put his mind to. He never gave up. Even while he was laying in the hospital bed he died and came back to life.

He's on the effin news. It's so sad. My heart aches for my brother and sister-in-law. He was their only child. That family was tight. My brother's bond with my nephew was like no other bond I've ever seen. They were tight. They were best friends. But, there were solid boundaries. They truly had a model relationship. They will hurt forever. An empty whole in their hearts for the rest of their lives. We'll all hurt, anyone who's been in Ben's life. But eventually we'll move on and never forget that beautiful young man. Our wound will heal with time. So my heart aches for brother and sister-in-law. I can't imagine the lifetime of pain they'll live with.

A little letter to Ben

Ben, I can't believe you are gone. I love you more than words can express. You and I had a lot in common. Our sense of humor, infectious energy, genuine laughter. You were definitely better at it than I was. You are a true inspiration. I ache for not sending you a plane ticket to come and visit me. Stupid money. Always gets in the way. I loved every moment we had together. Even the time I was babysitting you in Gardner and you went in the backyard with Kujo and I couldn't come and get you because I was afraid he was going to eat me. You were always such a pleasure and so much fun. You were the first infant I ever held. And so far the only one. I was so happy to be there for you when you were having a hard time and only wished I could have been there even more. You are so lucky to have had such a wonderful mom and dad. Even though your mom was pretty tough on you, you knew it was because she loved you so much. They raised you to become a strong and outstanding young man. I can't believe you're gone. The world will never be the same without you. I will look for you in the sky, a beautiful twinkling star, an angel looking over us. Let us feel your energy. It would be so nice. Big hugs and kisses to you my sweet nephew.

With love forever and always,
Auntie Chrissy

I hope God has an amazing purpose for Ben, because I don't get it. How could He do this to this family, my brother and sister-in-law, broken hearts forever. So He better have a great plan because I'm pretty angry at Him.