Today is my nephew's memorial service and scholarship fundraising dinner. I don't get to be there. I'm stuck in treatment for the third and last time. I can't keep going back to my eating disorder and screwing up my life. I'm tired of living this life of torturing myself. It's no way to live and I certainly wouldn't be ok if anybody else did this to themselves. I need to accept that I have to make drastic changes in my life and how I handle things.
I continue to learn so much about myself here at EDCD. I've got a long road ahead of me. It's a whole lot longer than I ever could have imagined. If only I was this aware when I first started treatment back in 2004 I would think I'd be in a much better place. It doesn't matter really, all that matters is that I push myself and be willing to make drastic changes, feeling all the pain and discomfort, to get to the other side. I will trust that I can do this change on my life journey.
In the meantime, today is truly a difficult day. Yesterday was a surreal day as it was one year since Ben left the earth. I will try to remain present today even though my heart aches to be with my family. They need me and I need them.
This is a poem I wrote yesterday to my brother and sister-in-law. I love you , little Benny.
The stars in the sky will be bright tonight,
the angels above will emit their light.
Be still for a moment and let the world spin,
feel the love around you, don't be afraid to let it in.
A boy so precious then a man so proud,
with dreams and goals to share aloud.
A mom and dad bleeding hearts full of love,
close your eyes and you see the white dove.
For he is with you always even times of despair,
open your hearts and breathe in the air.
Hold onto the memories, let go of the pain,
he wants you to live and feel free again.
Honor your child by showing him strength,
a beautiful gift as you would go any length.
He will always be with you, though you may not see.
Take comfort in your dreams for that is where he will be.
