I feel like Alice who fell in the rabbit hole and entered a whole new world—surreal and exciting yet terrifying and emotional. I'm definitely discovering who I really am and well, there's definitely some good but a lot of not-so-good too.
I'm sitting here at work and I can't seem to focus for crap. I don't even want to be here. I really don't know where I want to be right now. I don't even know what I want out of life anymore. I feel like what I want is unattainable, without actually even knowing what it is exactly that I want.
I know I want to raise a child. I know I want to have a baby. But I don't think my body will let me have one. I feel like I should have been lucky enough to have gotten pregnant by now. I don't even know if I could raise a child in a healthy environment. I feel like I'm too crazy, a bad example because I do not-so-good things. Always wanting to run from something.
My eating disorder is fully on board with me not being able to figure out what the hell I'm doing. Slowly but surely it has taken over. And I want to eat, and I crave yummy food but the ED won't let me. I'm obsessed with my body and wonder how much weight might I have lost today. It seems that enough is never enough and it breaks my heart that this is where I am at.
I was thinking back to a few years ago why a fellow recovering friend couldn't understand why I wouldn't even eat a little cutie orange because there are not many calories in it. It took me this long to figure out why I didn't want to eat it. It's because it's food. It goes into your mouth and you taste it and chew it and swallow it. And that is eating. And that's why I didn't even want the little cutie orange.
I truly have no idea what to do. I'm supposed to go home in April for my nephews memorial service and I've lost a TON of weight since I last saw my mom in November. And she'll notice. And I'm terrified to get caught. Will I be sent off to treatment? I don't think I can do this alone. I'm at a whole new place with my eating disorder. I'm doing things I haven't done since I was a teenager and that alone scares that shit out of me.
