I'm a bit distracted this morning while attempting to watch the morning news. I can't stop thinking about group last night. Specifically, I can't stop thinking about two questions that I can't even seem to answer.
1. What's it going to take to stop giving into my eating disorder?
2. Why do I want to hold onto my eating disorder?
I tell myself I don't want to hold onto it. But, truthfully, I do hold onto it. If I didn't, these questions wouldn't exist. As a result, I'm feeling rather stoic. And I don't like this feeling. But it is Friday! And Friday's come with a heavy dose of sarcasm bellowing out of my mouth. Hopefully that will help distract me from this uncomfortable, stoic place.
Something is going on with me because I'm keeping my distance from people I care about. I don't know if it's a result of the fun shenanigan's I'm dealing with in individual, or actually hearing from my doctor that I am a myriad of mental health issues so I'm a difficult case to treat.
I knew this since I was pretty young, that I was "off". While it's nice to be validated, it also sucks donkey balls.
I wish I could have a voice in group again. My sweet group girls feel like they don't me because I rarely share. I never know what to share. I never know how much to share. I always feel so uncomfortable after. Wondering if I made sense or if I sound like I'm just complaining or blabbering or I blow up and become defensive and show everyone my wall that lacks any color. I think I'm afraid of them and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Each of them seem to have a buddy all for themselves in group. They have someone in group where they've become connected. I've never had that in the roughly two years that I've been in group. There is one other girl like me swimming in the sea from a lonely island hoping to join up with the other dolphins, and maybe she will get a companion. I dig her, she's cool. But I don't see her being my companion, dolphin buddy. I think our world's are too different.
Maybe if I opened up. Maybe if I tried a little harder. I don't know why I'm hiding myself. I want real relationships but it's never going to work if I don't reciprocate with the real me.
