I wish I made more time to blog. It's hard when you work long days and then have to come home and make dinner and try to get some quiet time to unwind from the busy day. Work is beyond busy. I joke that we're working at warp speed. Recovery seems so much more challenging when you're working at warp speed and completely distracted from everything else in life. All you know is work, meeting the next deadline, creating the next estimate, getting the files to the printer, scheduling and attending meetings, making everybody happy, and so on.
I took a little extra time for my recovery last Thursday. My T and D were speaking on a panel for National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. I attended the event with my beautiful group girls. I told my husband it'll probably end around 7-7:30ish. Well it didn't. And I didn't get home until 8:30ish. As soon as I walked in the door I could feel the house full of tension. My husband was not happy that I came home later than anticipated. I didn't call or text. I blew up big time. It's no fun being accused of a creation formed in your husbands mind. I sincerely didn't and haven't done anything to deserve this distrust.
The week moves on and husband seems pretty quiet up until last night. I called him out by telling him I thought he seemed quiet and wanted to know if he had something on his mind. Nothing. Something had been on my mind. I was and still am upset. I was hoping to get an apology but never got one. I don't know. Maybe he thought I should have been the one to apologize since I blew up.
It's hard to continue to choose recovery when it seems like my husband prefers me in my ED so I'll stay home and isolate so I don't spend time with my friends.
I'm moving forward. This is not for him this is for me. I HAVE to do this. I HAVE to recover. I need to know what it's like to be deep into recovery. I want to know what it's like to be all of me again. I don't deserve a life like this.
But... this food and meal plan thing sucks bad. I HATE it. My stomach feels so swollen. It feels so cruel. I don't understand why it has to be so much so fast. But I have to keep going. I have to walk through the new door. I'll kick and scream the whole way. I'll stir up some heated discussions, stomp my feet, pout, be anggryyy! But I'll keep doing it. Because if I don't, my ED will win. And this time, it's my turn to win.
Happy Crappy Monday!
