When it comes to work I'm really good at making decisions. I weigh the pros and cons to a situation, evaluate, maybe do a little research, and then I make the decision. Ta Da! Problem solved. It's not so easy to make a decision when it comes to me and my health. This chic gets stuck in situations a lot. And well, this chic is the one who creates the situation where she ends up being stuck. Blah! So why can't I make a decision you might ask? It's scary, I guess. Is it a perfection thing? Maybe. If I do it and fail then that was a waste of money... again. If I do it can I succeed? It hasn't worked in the past so why would it be any different this time? Can I just do it on my own? Um, nothing really seems to be changing on my own.
This decision is to go or not to go... IP, or maybe not IP, maybe PHP or... something that requires an incredibly enormous time commitment which will keep me from being in the office 40+ hours per week. So I sit here stuck with myself, not being able to make a decision.
T says I need to pick up the phone and make the call. That's the first step. The only commitment involved is making that phone call. Surely this is something I can do. But that phone call is very powerful. In my mind that phone call means I have made the commitment to go. I do want to go. I don't want to live my life like this anymore. I really want so much more out my life than living with this cruel disease. I should really start making a list of what this disease takes away from me on a daily basis. That's right. Every single day this disease takes pieces of me.
It would be great if treatment didn't cost anything or just a minimal fee. I'm sure my insurance won't be very beneficial. So this financial stress continues to keep me stuck.
So this is where I've been lately. Stuck. Stuck fantasizing about all the wonderful and yummy foods I want to eat and make, dreaming of the day that food won't be so scary and hold so much power over me. Stuck torturing myself for all of my imperfections and disappointment and disgust that I have towards myself. Stuck wondering if this is how my life is supposed to play out while dragging people around me down into my well. Stuck not knowing if the grass really can be greener on the other side.
