This post was written back in May, I think :) I have an antique computer (not really) that stopped allowing me to post on my blog. So this not-so-lovely post has been sitting in my Drafts box for months. My husband and I decided, since both of our computers are ancient, we need to purchase something from this century. Albeit it's not my beloved Mac, but that will come in due time. So for now, here's an update from a couple of months or so ago. I will post a real update of my current state within the next few days:
I'm not going to begin this post by apologizing for rarely posting on my blog. It's my blog so I can post however infrequently I desire. However, I do wish I would post more often but I'm a bit insecure regarding what I might end up posting. Hell, I don't know if anybody reads this thing anyway.
Anyhoo, my sedentary life is anything but living. I met with my D today and instead of gaining weight, which is apparently still the goal, I lost weight. WTF? Admittedly I've been doing far too many physical activities and only using my meal plan as a "guide". I don't know how my mind convinces itself to intuitively eat because I am nowhere near that. I start making decisions based on how I feel and what sounds satisfying, and I can sit in this for so long that I end up missing part of the meal plan or trying to make up for it by drinking my calories, all because I don't feel hungry and I want to eat like a "normal" person.
I'm so annoyed. Why can't I get this right? I was thinking earlier today, losing weight and being in E.D. recovery is an oxymoron. How can I say I'm in recovery? Reason being is, there's a whole lot more to it than following a meal plan. And that is why I can say I am in recovery. I am listening with a keener ear, I am more willing to make drastic changes in my life and I've become extremely self-aware. So it's more than just the number on the scale that defines one's recovery, it's the stuff underneath the number that drives it.
I always seem to feel like I'm a target at the gun club when I see my T and D. I'm worried that my T doesn't trust everything I'm telling her. I'm worried that she is giving up on me. Today, my D kind of put me on a one-week probation. I have to follow my meal plan 100% exactly with zero mistakes or deals or bargaining. I'm pretty sure if I don't follow I will be fired. Again. I can't lose my treatment team. I rely on them so much to keep me sane. I know they don't think they are helping me because I fall off track so easily, but they are helping me and I do need them in my life. I think I would be pretty close to death without them.
With all of that said, I'm restricted from physical activity until I can prove that I can follow my meal plan exactly as it's written. AND, I still have to drink boost. I've been on boost for two freakin' months! I'm thinking my body just doesn't want all those calories but it doesn't matter what I think anymore. Actually, it never really has mattered. I don't know why I even listen to myself. I know it won't steer me in the right direction with my meal plan. It never really has. I wish they could give me a drug where I was more robot-like when it came to my meal plan so I wouldn't be able to think. But, on the downside of the brilliant idea, I'd be on them for the rest of my life. And that sounds pretty shitty to me.
I like to think of myself as a pretty fast learner. But when it comes to recovery I'm slower than a snails tail. I wish I understood why. It's just breaking old habits and making positive changes, right? What's so bad about that? Call me resistant, stubborn, non-compliant, whatever. I'm just plain scared. Logically I know only good things will come out of making all these positive changes but I'm used to the negative, I guess. Not always but sometimes. Just like I'm good, sometimes.
So tonight I'm gonna sit my skinny-ass on the couch and be a couch potato while I eat. After all, I'm a human being not a human doing.
