I've never felt this kind of pain. I ache inside. I want my nephew to be back here on earth. I want him to be sleeping in his own bed every night with his sweet and loving dog, Snow. I want my brother and sister-in-law to no longer ache. I don't even know what to write, how to write. I have good moments and bad moments. He was such a gifted young man. I believe God needed my nephew, Ben. But that will never heal the pain I feel. So we, his family, wait until the day we can be with him again. He was so beautiful inside and out. I miss his fb statuses, I miss his voice. I miss knowing he was enjoying life.
I'm moving forward with recovery, because that is what my sweet nephew would want. He'd want his healthy Aunty Chrissy back. He wouldn't want me to dwell in the darkness of ED. He knew about ED and my other issues. He knew I was there for him to help him through hard times, because he knew I'd been through some hard times of my own. I've lived on my own roller coaster for so long. Now I ride a new roller coaster. For a little while I'll feel peace, then I feel pain and my heart aches. I feel selfish hurting inside for myself. I feel like I should be strong all the time to help my brother and sister-in-law. But I guess that's not real. I guess real is living this roller coaster of emotions. I want him back. I love him so much. I wish you could have met him. You'd understand the pain this family and his friends feel. He was the best.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to go back home after being with my family for more than 10 days. It's going to hurt like hell. Going back to work is going to be so hard. Life will never be the same. Sure I'll move forward and the pain won't hurt as much. I've been through this before. I've watched my stepmother die in front of me. I got through it. But then, I had ED to lean on, I can't have that anymore. I have to rely on real people to help me get through this. It's going to be hard. I just want to be there every moment, every second, for my brother and sister-in-law.
Man it hurts. I ache so badly. If you only were so lucky to have known him. So many beautiful memories I will cherish forever. Looks like I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight, again. Tears for my sweet nephew. I love you so much Ben baby. I can't wait to see you again. It will never be soon enough.
