Sedentary Stages of Life

This post was written back in May, I think :) I have an antique computer (not really) that stopped allowing me to post on my blog. So this not-so-lovely post has been sitting in my Drafts box for months. My husband and I decided, since both of our computers are ancient, we need to purchase something from this century. Albeit it's not my beloved Mac, but that will come in due time. So for now, here's an update from a couple of months or so ago. I will post a real update of my current state within the next few days:

I'm not going to begin this post by apologizing for rarely posting on my blog. It's my blog so I can post however infrequently I desire. However, I do wish I would post more often but I'm a bit insecure regarding what I might end up posting. Hell, I don't know if anybody reads this thing anyway.

Anyhoo, my sedentary life is anything but living. I met with my D today and instead of gaining weight, which is apparently still the goal, I lost weight. WTF? Admittedly I've been doing far too many physical activities and only using my meal plan as a "guide". I don't know how my mind convinces itself to intuitively eat because I am nowhere near that. I start making decisions based on how I feel and what sounds satisfying, and I can sit in this for so long that I end up missing part of the meal plan or trying to make up for it by drinking my calories, all because I don't feel hungry and I want to eat like a "normal" person.

I'm so annoyed. Why can't I get this right? I was thinking earlier today, losing weight and being in E.D. recovery is an oxymoron. How can I say I'm in recovery? Reason being is, there's a whole lot more to it than following a meal plan. And that is why I can say I am in recovery. I am listening with a keener ear, I am more willing to make drastic changes in my life and I've become extremely self-aware. So it's more than just the number on the scale that defines one's recovery, it's the stuff underneath the number that drives it.

I always seem to feel like I'm a target at the gun club when I see my T and D. I'm worried that my T doesn't trust everything I'm telling her. I'm worried that she is giving up on me. Today, my D kind of put me on a one-week probation. I have to follow my meal plan 100% exactly with zero mistakes or deals or bargaining. I'm pretty sure if I don't follow I will be fired. Again. I can't lose my treatment team. I rely on them so much to keep me sane. I know they don't think they are helping me because I fall off track so easily, but they are helping me and I do need them in my life. I think I would be pretty close to death without them.

With all of that said, I'm restricted from physical activity until I can prove that I can follow my meal plan exactly as it's written. AND, I still have to drink boost. I've been on boost for two freakin' months! I'm thinking my body just doesn't want all those calories but it doesn't matter what I think anymore. Actually, it never really has mattered. I don't know why I even listen to myself. I know it won't steer me in the right direction with my meal plan. It never really has. I wish they could give me a drug where I was more robot-like when it came to my meal plan so I wouldn't be able to think. But, on the downside of the brilliant idea, I'd be on them for the rest of my life. And that sounds pretty shitty to me.

I like to think of myself as a pretty fast learner. But when it comes to recovery I'm slower than a snails tail. I wish I understood why. It's just breaking old habits and making positive changes, right? What's so bad about that? Call me resistant, stubborn, non-compliant, whatever. I'm just plain scared. Logically I know only good things will come out of making all these positive changes but I'm used to the negative, I guess. Not always but sometimes. Just like I'm good, sometimes.

So tonight I'm gonna sit my skinny-ass on the couch and be a couch potato while I eat. After all, I'm a human being not a human doing.

A Poem to my brother and sister-in-law

Today is my nephew's memorial service and scholarship fundraising dinner. I don't get to be there. I'm stuck in treatment for the third and last time. I can't keep going back to my eating disorder and screwing up my life. I'm tired of living this life of torturing myself. It's no way to live and I certainly wouldn't be ok if anybody else did this to themselves. I need to accept that I have to make drastic changes in my life and how I handle things.

I continue to learn so much about myself here at EDCD. I've got a long road ahead of me. It's a whole lot longer than I ever could have imagined. If only I was this aware when I first started treatment back in 2004 I would think I'd be in a much better place. It doesn't matter really, all that matters is that I push myself and be willing to make drastic changes, feeling all the pain and discomfort, to get to the other side. I will trust that I can do this change on my life journey.

In the meantime, today is truly a difficult day. Yesterday was a surreal day as it was one year since Ben left the earth. I will try to remain present today even though my heart aches to be with my family. They need me and I need them.

This is a poem I wrote yesterday to my brother and sister-in-law. I love you , little Benny.



The stars in the sky will be bright tonight,
the angels above will emit their light.

Be still for a moment and let the world spin,
feel the love around you, don't be afraid to let it in.

A boy so precious then a man so proud,
with dreams and goals to share aloud.

A mom and dad bleeding hearts full of love,
close your eyes and you see the white dove.

For he is with you always even times of despair,
open your hearts and breathe in the air.

Hold onto the memories, let go of the pain,
he wants you to live and feel free again.

Honor your child by showing him strength,
a beautiful gift as you would go any length.

He will always be with you, though you may not see.
Take comfort in your dreams for that is where he will be.

The Rabbit Hole

I feel like Alice who fell in the rabbit hole and entered a whole new world—surreal and exciting yet terrifying and emotional. I'm definitely discovering who I really am and well, there's definitely some good but a lot of not-so-good too.

I'm sitting here at work and I can't seem to focus for crap. I don't even want to be here. I really don't know where I want to be right now. I don't even know what I want out of life anymore. I feel like what I want is unattainable, without actually even knowing what it is exactly that I want.

I know I want to raise a child. I know I want to have a baby. But I don't think my body will let me have one. I feel like I should have been lucky enough to have gotten pregnant by now. I don't even know if I could raise a child in a healthy environment. I feel like I'm too crazy, a bad example because I do not-so-good things. Always wanting to run from something.

My eating disorder is fully on board with me not being able to figure out what the hell I'm doing. Slowly but surely it has taken over. And I want to eat, and I crave yummy food but the ED won't let me. I'm obsessed with my body and wonder how much weight might I have lost today. It seems that enough is never enough and it breaks my heart that this is where I am at.

I was thinking back to a few years ago why a fellow recovering friend couldn't understand why I wouldn't even eat a little cutie orange because there are not many calories in it. It took me this long to figure out why I didn't want to eat it. It's because it's food. It goes into your mouth and you taste it and chew it and swallow it. And that is eating. And that's why I didn't even want the little cutie orange.

I truly have no idea what to do. I'm supposed to go home in April for my nephews memorial service and I've lost a TON of weight since I last saw my mom in November. And she'll notice. And I'm terrified to get caught. Will I be sent off to treatment? I don't think I can do this alone. I'm at a whole new place with my eating disorder. I'm doing things I haven't done since I was a teenager and that alone scares that shit out of me.