I'm pissed off. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm confused. And I don't know what to do. Work is still chaotic. As I mentioned before, this makes recovery even more challenging. I'm depressed. I didn't think this feeling would come back. But this time it's a totally different depression.
Last year I couldn't deal with getting dressed every morning. This would set the mood for the day which wasn't very positive. I couldn't deal with feeling my clothes touching my skin. I missed being a hanger. Guess what? I got what I wanted. I became a hanger for my clothes. So, what I thought I wanted is really not at all what I wanted. I loathe getting dressed every morning. Yesterday I lost it. I had a complete breakdown crying hysterically and hyperventilating and trying to pull myself together to go to work. I was so close to calling my T because I didn't think I was going to be able to calm myself down to make it through the day. I went and had a smoke (something I am supposed to be giving up) and it helped calm me down. And I made it to work and managed to have a fairly decent day.
This meal plan and weight thing is not going the way I expected. Getting everything in on my meal plan is beyond difficult. I am paranoid every day not certain if I really got it all in. I'm slacking on journaling and tracking my meals--something my dietician needs me to do. This probably creates more chaos. But really, when the eff am I going to make time? My head is spinning as it is. Here's the weird part. I'm paranoid I'm not gaining and that I'm still losing weight and I really don't want to lose the weight. I WANT to gain it. It's so freaking weird that I actually want to gain weight. I NEVER thought I'd actually want that. This tells me that I really want recovery. I really want to move on from my life with ED. I don't want it anymore. It's no good for me and my future.
Thoughts of wanting to have a baby are strong lately. I want to nurture and help grow a little baby in my belly. It's all around me, pregnant women. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to have that.
I want my life back and it still seems so far away. I hate this depression because I hate the unhealthy thoughts it creates in my mind.
Last night there was a going away party for a co-worker who is moving out of the state. I wanted to go and my husband wanted to go but I was exhausted, and sick to my stomach all day. I got home from work and sat on the couch and 1/2 hour later I was falling asleep. I didn't want to wake myself up. I didn't want to hang out with friends and have a good time. I just wanted to sleep. Sooo tired. I fucking hate it, being so tired and drained. This just makes me more depressed.
I need more help. I still think about IP even though it's not a possibility. So I need to be stronger. I need to figure out how I can be more successful with my recovery. Husband was supposed to step up big time with helping me and that's not going well. Something else to add to my depression. Okay I am crying now and once again feel as though I'm going to lose it. Yay me!
Supposed to go see a super fun band tonight with hubby and friends. Please God, give me the strength to follow through with this commitment as I've already blown two other commitments off this weekend.
I have so many random (as you can see by this post) and negative thoughts flying through my head right now so I'm going to take a time out. A negative one at that. I'm going to get some cigarettes. I don't care that I'm supposed to be giving it up. It's better than relying on my anxiety meds which I could seriously be popping all the time and I don't want to become addicted. I've got enough of those already.
