Long time no post. It's not easy to post when I feel like I'd just be repeating myself over and over again. I've been feeling really lousy lately. Not to worry about weight loss or not gaining. I'm gaining plenty and now I hate it. I've changed my mind, or ED has changed my mind. Well, even as I type that I'm completely torn with wanting to gain and wanting to lose. I know gaining and maintaining my weight is what needs to happen. I wish I could just accept that and be at peace with it.

I wish a lot of things. I wish I could accept and be at peace with myself. My dietician recommended that I watch the movie A Beautiful Mind. I've never seen it. I figured it's gotta be good for me if my dietician recommends it so I went out and bought it on Blue Ray. Hubby and I watched it last night. It was good. It was really good. It's the type of movie that I love to watch. She said to look at his alters as if it was my ED. She wanted me to see how eventually he learned to ignore these people in his mind. Even though they weren't all bad, they were not healthy for him for many reasons.

Just like the ED. He acts like he's a good thing for me, especially since he's been with me most of my life. But I know, I really know how much he's taken from my life -- family, friendships, a house, jobs, money, health, confidence, security -- you get the picture.

My biggest struggle will be to break down the walls that I think are protecting me. This is going to be hard, probably equally as hard as following a meal plan. I've tried, especially with hubby, to slowly break down the walls. It was scary and hard. It only lasted for two, maybe three weeks. Slowly I found myself putting my walls back up. I got scared, anxious, stressed. I felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed.

These walls are going to keep me a very lonely and isolated girl if I don't break them down. You see, they screw up everything, these walls. I've got a friend who's sick and really needs love and support from her friends and family. I wanted to be there for her, I tried to be there for her. But it meant that I needed to break out of my safety zone. There were multiple reasons that stopped me. The big one is that I could be right where she is at. I told my dietician that I just couldn't do all of it. I told her I wanted to end my life. Then to here how sick my friend is the next day made me very sad and very scared. Not just for my friend but for me, too. Because I could be her, in that same situation.

I would love to continue this post but I've got to get ready for work. Work is the one thing where I can be dependable and reliable. What am I trying to prove? The rest of my life is a mess. I am an actress. I am successful at my job and that's it. My parents always told me I was a great little actress and I would grow up to be one. They were right. Unfortunately, I just put my own twist on this career.

Do I just throw in the towel with work? It makes me crazy anyway. Why, in my twisted mind, is work more important than me?