Change

Change is hard. I guess that's why I've been stuck with this ED for so long. I can recognize that I've made some changes in my life recently. So change is not impossible. If you just go with it...

Some things I've been "going with"

• Miss N chose a variety of treats (treats sound so much better than meds) for me to get this body back in-line. One treat was so scary I couldn't do it on my own. I had to make a visit to Miss N every morning for my treat. With the weekend upon me, I had to learn to indulge in this treat on my own. I managed. Even with one not-so-fun experience. A couple of other treats got my usual half-ass lack of commitment kind of deal. Over the weekend I left one treat at work so I missed that benefit. The other treat was easy to have in the morning, but evenings have been a major fail. In the end, treat's one and four are a major success. Treat's two and three need improvement.

So there's my Change (with a capital C) for the week. I wish it was better. ED still makes some of my decisions. 100% change / recovery is hard. I give in a lot. The voices are so loud and they don't stop. Then there's good stress and bad stress. And the bad stress is not knowing if my job is secure. So I rely on ED and bad behaviors to make it through the day, each day. And it's hard. It's sad -- that I allow this ED to keep me weak both physically and mentally. That I can't make that change.

They say it's a choice. Giving it all you've got. Some days I agree and other days ED is so strong it makes it hard to agree. I'm not giving up. I just need to learn how to not give in so easily. I started this post yesterday. Today I tried to listen to my body and it's hunger signals. I ate lunch and later felt a little hungry so I had a snack. That was CHANGE. Afterwards, I felt awful. Guilty. Shameful. That I allowed myself to get so carried away. That was not change. And it's something I have to fight to maintain 100% recovery.

The weekend is upon me. ED is lurking it's ugly and eery head. It's ready to challenge anything good I have planned for the weekend, or even just one day. You see, weekends are the most challenging for me. So my goal for the evening is to work on a plan to have a ED free day tomorrow. I know it won't be ED free, the voices are too loud and too constant. The goal will be to ignore the voices and not use ED behaviors. I can make it one day. I've done it before. The question is can I make it two days in a row? Too scary to think about for too long, so it's one day at a time for now. Actually, it's one moment / one meal at a time.