Results

Waiting for lab results always creates a tinge of anxiety for me. This time around I wasn't too worried that anything would come back saying I was deficient. Well, it did and I am. I thought for sure none of this was related to the ED, but I am wrong. It took a few days to find out it is related to the ED. I emailed my dietitian asking her about these deficiencies and whether or not something could really be wrong with my body, wondering if it was something potentially life-threatening. She's all, "Yes, there really is something wrong. ED is a life-threating illness and what you are doing is really wrong!" As I read her words some tears started to fill my eyes and flow down my face. Apparently it doesn't matter what size you are when you are in your ED. You don't have to be deathly emaciated in order to have bad lab results.

It's been a rough week. Working through this ED crap isn't easy. At times it creates more anxiety than this chic can handle. Throw in a co-worker in my department getting let go and suddenly I have no qualms about saying to other co-workers as we sit in the conference room of doom, "Excuse me, I think I'll go take a Xanax and have a smoke". More than this chic can handle, considering I'm constantly feeling as though I'm walking on egg shells regarding the security of my own job. Pretty much popping a Xanax on a daily basis just to make it through the day.

I do the very best I can in my job. I'm always trying to make the AM's work lives easier, smoother and worry-free. But someone's "out to get me". And that someone can pull a card so quickly that I can instantly become jobless. {insert more anxiety here}. There are no examples or situations for why this person is out to get me. I've checked with the appropriate "higher-ups" to find out if there's anything lacking / anything I can do better. The response is a resounding, "You are doing great! I haven't had any concerns or complaints!" This leads me to believe that this nameless person is a monster / demon with two heads. The head that is shown to me is light-hearted and appreciative. The other head, which I believe is the real head, is on an ego trip. And I really hope nameless person gets bit in the ass hard for putting me through so much anxiety and lack of confidence that I go through my work days trying to manage to NOT have a mental breakdown.

I believe in God but I don't attend regular service or anything like that. Well, this nameless monster / demon person plays a big part in his church. And I hope it is God that bites him in the ass because that would hurt the most. Mean? Cruel? Ruthless? Maybe. But that's how badly I suffer, and unfortunately, if you make me suffer this much, then you should suffer too because you are a cause of my suffering.

Friday was not successful with not having a mental breakdown. As I was walking through the main lobby to head upstairs, ex co-worker came in to get the rest of their belongings. We shared a hug, I let them know how fabulous they are, and I bolted upstairs with tears flowing down my cheeks. Safely, I made it to another co-workers office, which is where I was going in the first place, and let it all flow... tears streaming, gasping for breath and all. I tried to act like this mental breakdown was a result of bumping into the now ex co-worker. But it was quite a bit more than that.

I go above and beyond in my job. I help other's when it's really not my position to help at all. I mentioned to this co-worker whom I shared my mental breakdown with that I need it to be recognized when I do go above and beyond because I don't feel like they recognize my value. They being not the higher-ups, but the card players. The one's who create your destiny in a moments notice.

Believe it or not I love my job. I'm not in love with where I work currently, but I love what I do. It keeps me going and it keeps me from letting ED completely take over. It's weird how strong my logical brain can be. Many, many times it has saved me from making really bad decisions. At times this has been extremely frustrating because it never allowed me to be really good at my ED. Which in all actuality, is such a good thing. But I wonder if I had ever just allowed myself to get really deep into the ED, would I still be fighting for 100% recovery today? All the half-ass efforts with attempt towards recovery maybe I would have been more willing to dig deep and open up completely? I don't know. And I will never know. What I do know is that I was never given the opportunity to get to my goal weight because of injuries and being busted by my doctor. It's so embarrassing for me to let people know I'm not perfect. Sounds ridiculous but it's true. So I was never able to fully accomplish what I'd started because of the embarrassment and humiliation I would feel. In a weird way, I guess it's a good thing for me to be a people-pleaser and perfectionist with a competitive nature. Because I rely so heavily on what other's think of me that it has essentially saved me.