Door #1: Opened

It's always great to fantasize about how amazing and colorful and dreamy the new year will be. You hear it and read it all over the place, people so excited for that fresh, new start. I had my head in the clouds fantasizing how wonderful my new year would be. CLOUDS. Those big, white puffy things that float within the sky. They go away, you know, those clouds. They either dissipate into nothingness or they'll be blown away by the wind.

My excitement for the new year has been blown away by the wind. The excitement has been replaced by hopelessness, guilt, sadness, anger, paranoia, frustration and all-in-all full board HATE towards myself. Be gentle to yourself, right? Isn't that what we've been taught? When you're this far down the well nothing positive can sink into the brain. There's nothing anybody can do for you to help jump in the bucket while they pull you up. You're not sinking, you've already sunk and you're drowning. Thank goodness the water isn't deep, otherwise you're done.

I'm able to keep my head above water, unless a trigger goes off. Then it's a quick ride to the psych ward to keep myself safe, from... myself. It's embarrassing for me to admit how distorted my thinking is and how much I suffer inside. I've closed so many doors to friends because I can't stand to be around myself. Therefore, I believe I'm benefitting these friends by keeping myself away from them because there's nothing good here anymore, I have nothing to offer, I'm all damaged.

This blog is about ED recovery. The goal is to give 100% towards recovery in 2011. I've made great strides in adding food to this body three times a day. I wouldn't say I've had three meals a day, but the fact that I've eaten three times a day is a success. I'm trying to convince myself that this is a success... as I sit here repeatedly telling myself "go get some lunch, go get some lunch". Rather, I'm starting this fantastic blog that I had planned on starting January 1. And there lies some guilt. Like I've let my readers down. I don't even have any readers yet so who am I really letting down? Sounds silly to me.

It took me quite a while to figure out what I wanted to call my blog. I chose Opening New Doors because in my roughly 26 years of playing with ED, I've never really given recovery 100%. Along with that, I've never really allowed anyone to fully help me. I've never really been able to ask for help and follow through with taking care of myself. I've never been able to really open myself up and allow people to really get to know me. And, I've never given myself the chance to really get to know and accept me.

So here I am, opening up new doors and allowing you to follow me on this journey.

Oh. And I got myself some lunch :)