That's what my dietician told me when I saw her this week. This is something I know but never really "heard" it. I thought maybe it had to do with the medication. My logical brain knew it was the lack of nutrition and calories. I wanted so badly to believer it was the meds. I still want to believe that, but that must be my ED brain playing tricks on me.
Recovery is hard work. Every meal, if I'm not crying hysterically at my plate of food while it stares back at me with googly eyes, then I'm screaming inside because I don't want to eat it. But I do it. Each frickin' meal. I sit and hang out with my anxiety and nausea. Yea, good times.
I can't keep relying on ED anymore. Every time I slip into relapse-mode ED gets stronger and stronger. Even though it gets stronger, my reaction to get back into recovery is a lot quicker. Every day, multiple times a day, I teeter-totter on continuing with recovery or just throwing in the towel and let ED have it's way with me. Wow! Revelation. "Have it's way with me". That triggers some vivid and scary memories. Giving in, not putting up the fight for myself. It'll be easier this way because then I won't have to deal with anger and pain. ED or self harm will help me let it all go.
Growing up I was always accused of creating fights in my house between mom and dad. I was considered the "trouble maker". I just wanted to be a good girl. I didn't truly believe I was the one causing the fights but when you here this repeatedly, over and over like a broken record, you begin to think "maybe I am the problem". That resulted in me being "peacemaker" in social circles. I always put myself in the middle to protect a friend or keep friend's from fighting. That doesn't sound like a bad thing, right? Most of the time I would get hurt in one emotional way or another. And most of the time, the friend I was protecting didn't even notice or appreciate what I was doing. And of course I always felt bad for being such a bitch towards the person causing my friend pain. I learned to fight and hurt your family members and protect the people in your social circle. Don't rock the boat with friends but break your family member down until they are crawling on their knees and they feel like crap. Why? Because this is what I saw and learned, day after day, year after year.
This is something I did for years and years, more than half my life. No wonder I have major issues with loving myself and trusting others. I never learned how to develop a successful relationship with anyone. I didn't have good role models. I feel sad for the little girl that I was. I look back at my life and it's more than just a roller coaster, it's a tornado, shizz flying everywhere completely out of control not knowing which direction to go, when to land or how to land.
I think I like the child me better than the older me. I was one resilient kid with opinions and strength. I definitely wasn't a door mat. Today I am a door mat. If I dare express my opinion or show strength or assertiveness I feel completely guilty and I get mad at myself which turns into a sad me where fuel is fed to the "I hate me" fire.
I have a temper which scares the hell out of me. Before, when I was on a different med, I was numb to all feelings and I hated it. Now I miss it. I hate feeling anger. For me, it's usually explosive. And it's no fun if you are the target. And for those of you who were the target, I am truly, truly sorry.
Talk about a random post! And to continue with the randomness, yesterday morning my hubby and I watched Zombieland. A rather silly and comical movie about four people trying to survive in a world of zombies. Well, I had nightmares last night. It wasn't zombies trying to hunt me down and kill me. It was "that" man. That horrible, horrible man who has scarred me for the rest of my life. I can't believe I saw him in my dream last night. In my errr... nightmare, my brother invited him to our party. We were swimming in the water and up appears his head. I asked my brother, "Why did you invite him?" His response, "I thought it was water under the bridge". I decided it was time I gave him a piece of my mind which turned into him chasing me to torture me physically. He managed with some success by mutilating my toe and my leg. I will NEVER forgive him. I don't want to. He was a bad, bad man.
My next dream was pretty unpleasant as well. You see, every night I put my wedding and engagement ring in my jewelry box. Last night, I put them on the coffee table. In my dream, I took them off and put them on a friend's coffee table. The next morning the rings were gone. I was so upset with myself for not putting them in the jewelry box. But I wasn't at home so how could I have put them away properly? It didn't matter. I was so mad at myself for taking them off knowing they didn't have their proper home to sleep in.
I have plans with myself today. Got a few errands I need to run. Planning to head to Nordstrom to pick up some Toms. If you are reading this my lovely, I will post a pic on FB and tag you and you'll be so proud! Gotta hit Costco and Whole Foods to stock up on the food supply. Hopefully will visit Bed, Bath & Beyond to use my gift card I got at Christmas. Then, I've gotta to do some of those challenging therapy assignments which I think a lot about but avoid writing it out like the plague.
Best of luck my plans today! I can't say goals anymore. It's a triggering word. Ahhhh... more randomness.
Latah!
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