Trust is "uncomfortable"

For the past few weeks I've been trying to find a way to do this IP thing... again. Insurance is AWESOME! They're like, "we don't cover that. Actually, we don't even know what you're talking about. IP? Treatment center?" Clearly my insurance company is not very up-to-date. Through pure desparation I contacted my T and told her that I am at a complete loss. I know that if I continue to live like this there'd be a good chance I wouldn't make it to see 2012. Well, maybe none of us will since that's when the world is supposed to end. ED says go ahead and give it all you've got and we can see if you actually make it. I say I want to make it so I need to seek real-time help.

I'm tired of not getting good sleep night after night. Suffering from nightmares that are too vivd to distinguish whether the situation actually happened. Waking up with a splitting headache. Forgetting things throughout the day. Tired of people commenting on my appearance -- both negative and positive remarks. Tired of pushing everybody away because I lack the ability to really trust people. Tired of hating myself and causing physical harm to my body. It's no way to live.

Nearly three months later, I finally got to see my T yesterday. I was in a fairly good mood which is such a refresher compared to the absolute major depression and anxiety that I was living with everyday for the past few months. It felt so good to see her. She makes me feel safe. I trust her and I can't say that about too many people. Not even my own family. We "caught up" on my going's on these past couple of months as my entire body was trembling and shaking with anxiety, even my voice was shaking. I did my best to try and ignore it but it was difficult. We talked about how I'm going to be pushed pretty hard since I'm not new to this whole treatment / re-feeding thing. The pressure is on and I'm scared to death!

I was given some pretty intense homework assignments that I started working on last night, in my head. This stuff makes me pretty sad. So, already feeling a bit down I woke up today feeling down-right lousy, both physically and mentally. Part of it is because I get to see my dietician today. I don't know if I can do it. T asked, "what is going to make you be able to do recovery this time around?" I know WHY I want to recover I just don't know HOW I'm going to be able to follow a meal plan. I need IP because I need someone to sit with me through all my meals. I'm not going to have that opportunity doing OP.

This is where the "trust" comes in. I've got to be able to trust someone at my work to help me through this, to sit with me through breakfast and lunch... and whatever else my D decides to throw in. I know I can't be accountable on my own. I've tried that one too many times to watch myself fail. There are some people in the office that I considered to be "friends". As T says, I tested them and they failed. I don't even want to be around them anymore. They disgust me. There is one girl in the office that I think I can trust. The thought of this brings tears to my eyes. It means that if I let myself trust this person to sit and eat with me then all my back doors are closed. ED will lose. And then begins the ultimate battle in my mind. Me vs. ED and it's no fun at all. Always keeping that back door opened just a little brings comfort. I need to learn how to keep that door closed and still find comfort.

I really want to write more frequently on my blog. I'm hoping I can feel safe enough / trust enough to be able to write even while my husband sits next to me on the couch. I know. Sounds crazy, right? I feel like he creeps into my head and can read what I'm thinking and writing through osmosis or something. Pretty frickin' crazy thinking. So, to add to the countless other homework assignments for couples therapy and my T, I will add my own homework assignment and that is to blog at least three times a week. I think that's doable.

Peace out!